The Fellowship's Revenge
by Calenalkar
Summary: Hehehe...You're going to have to read it...Can the fellowship be evil or is it my imagination??? Chapter 1 is up!!!
1. The Scream Heard Throughout the Set

The Fellowship's Revenge  
  
Written by the ELF BRODs  
  
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Boro and Rondy wrote this part of the story (Samantha and I of the ELF BRODs), so I guess this story belonged to us…for now. Sam, wizard hats taste good…  
  
ELF BRODs: want to know what this is? Go here: www.geocities.com/elf_brods/  
  
Disclaimer: the characters don't belong to us like the rest of Middle Earth unfortunately. They belong to the Great Tolkien, himself, HAIL! Ok, now READ ON!  
  
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The Scream Heard Throughout The Set  
  
Master Elrond, the Lord of Rivendell, waited patiently for word from his sons and many of the messengers that he had sent out. He already knew the ring was destroyed and was ready to make his journey to Rivendell when-  
  
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!  
  
"What do you want?" Elrond took out his cell phone from his pocket. "Don't you know I'm RIGHT in the middle of shooting a movie??? Well, I don't care what credit card you want to sell me! I'm NOT interested!!!" He turned off the cell phone and turned towards Peter.  
  
Peter looked amused at him. "Hugo, we don't allow cell phones on set," Peter scolded with a twinkle in his eyes. The director always found his cast very...interesting. "Let's take it back at the top. Where's our 'Arwen'?"  
  
Liv Tyler pops up with some of the crew in tow. "Our we ready?" she asked tiredly. She looked at the "Elf Lord" and saw the cell phone in his hand. Smiling she spoke to him. "Hugo? I didn't think we were allowed cell phones on set..."  
  
Hugo gave her a teasing glance. "We aren't, little tattle-tail."  
  
A loud racket emerging from the back distracted the crew's attention. Screaming and shouting followed, leaving the movie crew to exchange looks of confusion and worry. Suddenly, a young girl ran out onto the set, gasping for breath. She clutched a clipboard in her hand, and with her other she pointed down the hallway to the rooms. "It's Sean Bean, sir..." she sputtered. "He's being attacked!"  
  
Immediately, the entire cast followed the sounds of the noise to the star's room. The door was broken down, and inside was Sean against the corner of the room, still in his normal clothing. A puzzled look was plastered on his face, but his eyes glared up to the stranger that towered over him.  
  
The cast gasped as they realized that the stranger held a long sword, pointed straight at Sean's throat. "What the bloody hell is going on?! Blimey, get that bloke out of here!" the actor exclaimed, shooting threatening glares at crowd gathered at the door.  
  
The stranger his head, but never dropped his guard, to view his audience. Much to their surprise, standing before him was... another Sean Bean. No, it wasn't…it was Boromir.  
  
Another bloodcurdling scream was heard, catching the attention of most of the crew.  
  
The four hobbits ran to Peter. It was none other than Elijah, Dominic, Billy, and Sean Astin. All four were looking terrified and right behind them were...their doubles!  
  
Elijah looked scared at Peter. "Peter!" he cried. "What kind of hobbits did you hire??? THEY'RE TRYING TO KIDNAP US!" the hobbits stopped right behind the other four, the lead one holding a sword in his hand.  
  
"I'm am Peregrin Took! Put down your weapons, strange ones!" Pippin said seriously, flanked with Merry and then Sam and Frodo.  
  
Frodo looked astonished at Elijah Wood. "You...you are me! EVIL!!! SAURON IS AT IT AGAIN! KILL THEM!!!" The actor hobbits started to race down the hall, pursued by the REAL hobbits.  
  
Peter looked astonished and then it hit him. ELVES! He raced to the dressing room where Legolas and Orlando had their bows aimed at each other and Arwen and Elrond were next to them rooting, "GO LEGOLAS! GO LEGOLAS!"  
  
Peter immediately knew them. He approached Elrond. "What is the meaning of this???"  
  
Elrond pulled out his sword. "You have crossed the line, Peter Jackson! And for that you shall pay...after I find Hugo, of course...but THEN you shall pay!" He ran off, Arwen following him.  
  
And all hell broke loose. Peter immediately called security, and pressed the panic button. The SWAT team charged in, with their heavy machine guns and AK-47s, ready to fire.  
  
Unfortunately, they couldn't. Within the twenty-five minutes it took for the SWAT team to arrive (did you know it takes longer for a ambulance to arrive than a pizza delivery?), the real Lord of the Rings characters had already rounded up all the cast in the green room and locked themselves in. Peter was now pulling his hair out in frustration.  
  
Inside the green room, everyone was in a frenzy of confusion. "I want my agent!" Sean Bean spat angrily. "I wasn't hired to be kidnapped by a barrel of weasly--"  
  
"Hold your tongue, swine," Boromir ordered, pointing his large sword dangerously close to the actor. "I do not wish to spill blood, but if you leave me no choice--"  
  
"Boromir!" Aragorn snapped. "There'll be none of that. We want them alive."  
  
After a moment's silence, Boromir sheathed his sword, but continued glowering at the actor. "Don't look at me like that," Sean threatened. "I INVENTED that look."  
  
Elrond looked at Aragorn. "Aragorn, I think we should tie up the actors. They might get away. Is that a vent up there?" he asked, looking up at the vent in the ceiling. "Well, it'll have to do!"  
  
Elijah Wood was laying the ground, Frodo glaring at him for a minute, and then smiling for a minute, and then glaring. "Why do you do that, midget boy?" Elijah asked.  
  
Frodo pulled out his sword. "Never call a hobbit a midget! GET THE ROPE!!! THIS ONE MIGHT ESCAPE!" Frodo cried out in panic.  
  
Arwen rolled her eyes. "Frodo, I think the ring has affected you more than is good for you." Arwen was standing on Liv Tyler's back, looking through Liv's credit cards. "What's 1-800-2LoveMe?"  
  
All the cast looked at Liv. "Well, isn't THAT interesting!" Billy laughed, despite of the pain of Pippin doing jumping jacks on his stomach. 


	2. The King Speaks...and Elrond Sqeals

The Fellowship's Revenge  
By the ELF BRODs  
  
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This is AGAIN, written by Samantha and I of the ELF BRODs. We STILL need members! We have *counts on her fingers* 3-4 spots left that need to be filled (Faramir, Haldir, Eomer, and Celeborn...) ! E-mail me for a questionnaire to join! *It's easy...just asking about your background reading and stuff*. My e-mail is prettyblue_eyes0874@yahoo.com!  
  
Disclaimer: who am I to claim these characters? Too bad...wish they were mine! *pouts* Anyway! READ ON!  
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The King Speaks...And Elrond Squeals  
  
  
A short knock on the door started everyone in the room. "Be gon--" Boromir started, but was pushed aside by Aragorn.   
  
"I will speak," he ordered calmly.  
  
Boromir scowled. "Why?"  
  
"Because you are too threatening, because you are too greedy, and because I am your King," he replied. Boromir grumbled angrily, but gave in.  
  
A voice outside spoke first. "We wish to negotiate!"   
  
"Speak," Aragorn commanded.  
  
"In exchange of the actors, unharmed, we will give you ten thousand dollars," the murmured voice replied.  
  
"Your money has no value to us," the ranger answered. "We wish to talk to the leader."  
  
"Our leader?" Billy broke in, but was immediately silenced by Pippin sitting on his face.  
  
Aragorn nodded. "The one you call Peter Jackson."  
  
Elijah looked up with hope. "PETER!!!" he cried. "PETER, HELP US!!!"  
  
Elrond looked happily at Viggo who was tied up, but now in a ballerina suite. "Oh, don't you just look like the cutest thing! Coochie-choochie-koo!" he giggled happily.  
  
Arwen looked at her immature father. "Father, now how old are we???"  
  
Elrond looked up happy. "Doesn't he just look like the sweetest doll???"  
  
Arwen looked longingly at Hugo. "Ok, Ok, where did you get the make-up???" she demanded. All the hobbits looked excited as they found load of costumes in a trunk and began to dress up their actor-look-alike.  
  
Aragorn stood up. "HEY! STOP! This is getting WAY too out of han-" a pair of underwear was thrown in his face as Boromir looked smug, sitting on Sean.  
  
"Well enforced, King," he spat triumphantly.  
  
Aragorn crossed his arms strictly across his chest and glared at Boromir. "Might I remind you, son of Gondor, that I am your King, and I have the power to sentence you to death with the snap of my fingers. So get off your hostage and bite your tongue next time you decide to say something out of line."  
  
Boromir obeyed, but quietly mimicked the ranger when he turned away. Before things could get out of hand, another sharp knocking at the door disrupted everyone.   
  
"We offer you a trade!" the muffled voice of Peter Jackson spoke through the heavy door.   
  
"We're listening," Aragorn answered.  
  
Many quiet voices outside spoke over each other, before Peter replied once again, "We have mushrooms and tobacc-- I mean, pipeweed."  
  
The hobbits and the hobbit-actors' ears perked at the mention of the two words. Immediately, they leapt to their feet and stampeded down the door and the crowd waiting outside.  
  
Aragorn slapped his forehead in disappointment. This ransom was not going well.  
  
Elrond stopped the Hobbits before they ever reached the door. "You foolish hobbits! Do you REALLY think they have Pipeweed and Mushrooms??? Pippin! You know why we're here! Don't mess it up!" Elrond went back to Viggo and gave him back his cloths.   
  
Aragorn looked smug as if everything was going his way. Well, that is until Pippin decided to climb the vent. He didn't care what Elrond's commands were- he wanted the mushrooms! "PIPPIN!!!" commanded Aragorn. "Get back here before I cut off your head!"  
  
Pippin looked out from the ceiling. "Make me!" he spat. Legolas, wanting to defend his friend, pulled out his bow and shot an arrow at Pippin, missing the hobbit by a centimeter.  
  
"GO LEGOLAS! GO LEGOLAS!" Elrond and Arwen were cheering in elvish and doing a little cheer. "It's your birthday! Go kill him!"  
  
"Gosh, Legolas," Sam piped in quietly. "You missed Pippin by a centimeter. You're losing your skill, aren't you?"  
  
That earned the poor hobbit a cold glare that could freeze the depths of Mount Doom. "I never miss, Master Samwise. If I was aiming for Master Pippin, he would be dead by now."   
  
Sam blushed a deep shade of red that none thought possible.   
  
"Legolas," Aragorn said calmly. "Retrieve Pippin. We cannot have a wild hobbit loose in hostile area. Who knows what the habitants here are capable of."  
  
The elf shot a look at the king as if he was insane. "You want me, to go into that small vent?"  
  
Aragorn returned a glare equally as threatening. "Is there a problem?"  
  
"With all due respect, my liege," Legolas began, staring at the vent from below. "I see many flaws in that suggestion. First, I am an elf, not a mole. Second, I am an elf *prince*, and royalty certainly does not crawl into VENTS. Thirdly, as slim as I might be, there is no way in Mordor that I can fit--"  
  
"Well, shove yourself in if you must," Aragorn ordered. "I care not how you do it, as long as your objective is achieved."  
  
Legolas opened his mouth to protest, but was cut off. "Go!" 


	3. Through the Portal!

The Fellowship's Revenge  
By the ELF BRODs  
  
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Guess what? Samantha, me, AND Jess, wrote this chapter!!! Yay!!! Another person has been helping us! *Gives Jess a round of applause* Anyway, we STILL need members…PLEASE SIGN UP!!! I BEG YOU!!!  
  
Disclaimer: when have we??? We've been disclaiming these characters every chapter!!! When can we stop??? Anyway, READ ON!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Through the Portal!  
  
  
Legolas grumbled as he jumped into the vent to retrieve the stupid hobbit. Elrond sat on Viggo; happy that it wasn't HIM that was being sent up into the vent. The Elf Lord looked at Aragorn steadily. "Aragorn, as King of Gondor, I must ask you this: why are we doing this?"  
  
Arwen looked happy. "Maybe because Liv Tyler is TOTALLY ruining my look, appearance to the community, and personality??? Everyone HATES me now!!!" Arwen started to bawl. Aragorn, feeling very bad that his wife was going through some *emotional* times, put his arms around her and kissed her.  
  
Frodo looked disgusted. "Ewwwwwwww...can't you two go somewhere else?"  
  
"Yeah, there's an empty room down the hall," Sam suggested, pointing towards the door.  
  
"I don't think so, Sam," Boromir replied with an excited look. "The hallways are probably FILLING with the New Zealand Army..."  
  
"Yes!" cried Gimli. "A fight...JUST what I needed...they're just like Orcs and with my axe, Legolas' bow, and the rest of your swords, I'm sure we could take 'em on!"  
  
Merry looked happy. "YES! Victory is OURS! I can be famous again! We shall call this battle: the battle between the clones!"  
  
"Umm...Merry? That title's already taken and umm...we're not clones," Frodo laughed. "No, we shall call this 'The Last Battle of the Fellowship!'"  
  
May I have a say in this?" Faramir spoke, the first time since the beginning of the story. " 'The last battle of the fellowship' sounds very negative, as if it will be our last... as if we're going to die."  
  
Aragorn scowled. "The name of the battle is not of importance of the moment. It is the battle itself!" Underneath his breath, Sam could hear him mutter, "I'm surrounded by a herd of buffoons..."  
  
Outside, Boromir's prediction was right. Not only was the New Zealand army out there as well as the SWAT team, but also the Royal Canadian Mounted Police with their horses and killer beavers, the Australian Police Force with their rabid koalas and wallabies, and some killer penguins for the hell of it. "You're surrounded! Come out with your hands up!" one of the penguins squawked.  
  
"Oh, like that's going to get us out any quicker!" Aragorn replied sarcastically, making the hobbits giggle. Aragorn drew his sword. "This shall be a battle...but how are we going to win???"  
  
Legolas' head popped out of the vent. "Hey, guys? There's an exit that isn't blocked up here...I recommend we go THIS way!"  
  
"OH no!" cried Elrond in protest. "No! As a Lord Elf here, I protest! That is INSANE! What? Are we wallabies, too??? Do you think I could FIT up there? This is OUTRAGEOUS!"  
  
"Put a sock in it," Galadriel spat, helping Eowyn and Arwen up, and then handing up the hostages. "We need to get out of here! And fast!"  
  
"YAY!" Frodo cried and jumping up and down, kicking Elijah's head once in a while. "We're free! We're free!"  
  
"Shut up, you stupid Hobbit!" Boromir barked angrily. "Are you trying to give us away??? SHUT UP!"  
  
Everyone climbed through the vent and out of the exit. The exit took them out and onto the roof. The hostages were trying to break free, but were held tight by their captors.   
  
Legolas had Pippin by the scruff of his neck. "I can't let you start trouble, can I?" Legolas laughed at the squirming hobbit.  
  
Arwen was playing the game, "Slap the fake Arwen!"  
  
Frodo joined in the game, but ended up slapping all of the hobbit actors.   
  
Pippin had wanted to join in but Legolas yelled at him and told him no way. So Pippin was stuck pointing his sword at Billy who was being carried by Galadriel in front of him.   
  
Billy was laughing at the site of the hobbit in the air carried by Legolas who was pointing his sword at him trying to appear scary.   
  
Pippin growled at him. Frodo then came by and slapped Billy.  
  
"Let us go! Please!" Screamed a very upset Elijah.  
  
Elrond was carrying Dominic. Merry had made him go insane by starring at him. Then Merry held rotten mushrooms under his nose. Dominic was laughing hysterically and his eyes were all funky.   
  
Aragorn looked at Elrond and said, "Where are we going to take them?"  
  
Elrond sneered. "We're going to take them back to Middle Earth."  
  
Pippin looked back at Elrond. "Why are we doing that???"  
  
Elrond grinned. "Because if they're going to make the movie right, they have to go through EXACTLY what WE had to go through!" Elrond slapped Hugo in the back of the head. "GO, slow poke!"  
  
Aragorn turned to Elrond. "Master Elf! Will you do the honors?"  
  
Elrond and Galadriel used their "elvish magic" to make a porthole and jumped through it, taking their fakes along with them. When they all fell into Rivendell, Elrond stood up and straightened his robes, picking up Dominic and Hugo and brought them over to some chairs (the meeting area for the council).   
  
"Now that we have the actors here, we can start the council," Elrond said evenly.  
  
Elijah looked at Frodo scared. "PLEASE don't make me take the ring...PLEASE!!!"  
  
Frodo looked back shamefully. "And you call yourself the Ringbearer. Pippin could do better than you..." 


	4. The NEW Fellowship of the Ring

The Fellowship's Revenge By ELF BRODs  
  
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Jess (Pippin) and I (Elrond) wrote this chapter one Saturday while we were bored. Trust me: we were BORED. That's why we NEED more members!!! Active people!!! PLEASE JOIN!!! *Gets on her knees* PLEASE!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I'm too tired of disclaiming all the actors, characters, etc. Basically get this straight: I own NOTHING! NADA! Ok??? Get it??? Ok.READ ON!!!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The NEW Fellowship of the Ring  
  
Everyone was sitting down at this time. Everyone was in a chair except Merry and Pippin. They were sitting on the floor carefully watching their doubles and laughing at them.  
  
Billy then jumped up and started screaming. "Please don't make me go on this quest! I am begging you!" "I know what happens!" He started running around and screaming his head off. He tried to run out of the counsel but was stopped by Legolas who had tie him to the chair. He then tried to eat at the chair and the rope.  
  
Pippin pointed at him and started laughing his head off. "And you guys all say that I am the idiot!" He then buried his head into his hands so as to stop giggling. It didn't work.  
  
Merry was getting a good laugh in as well. Dominic kept mumbling to himself. When Billy had his outburst, Dominic had gripped the edge of his chair and jumped up and down laughing like a monkey.  
  
Dominic was very afraid. Sam tried to give him a carrot to "sooth his nerves", but Dominic had screamed at him and gave the sign of the cross and kept repeating over and over that Sam was a "Evil crocodile who wishes to EAT me!!!" Save me! Save ME!" He always ended on a shrilly note. Dominic then jumped up on top of his chair and everyone thought he was going to fall. He kept saying over and over, "I AM A BIRDIE! SEE ME FLY!! HA HA, GIRAFFS. I CAN FLY AND YOU CAN'T!"  
  
He tried to fly but he just fell off of the chair to where he was screaming on the floor.  
  
Elijah was trying to get Frodo to let him go, but all Frodo did was slap him with the ring. "OUCH!"  
  
Sam kept hitting Sean with a frying pan.  
  
Merry jumped on Dominic and challenged him to a wrestling match, which he replied to with, "Birdie..." but still wrestled.  
  
Pippin went to where Billy was tied up and kept teasing him and laughing at him. Poking him with his sword.  
  
Elrond looked and Aragorn and said, "I give you... the NEW Fellowship of the ring."  
  
Both looked at the chaos going on around them and said in unison... "Valar help us..."  
  
Frodo looked strangely at Elrond and complained. "But Elrond...I already got rid of the One Ring!"  
  
Elrond looked disappointed. "You're right...hmm..." he puts his hand in his pocket and searches for a ring. Instead, he pulls out two washers. "Oh well...this will have to do." Elrond put them both on stings, gave them some magical powers and put them on Frodo and Elijah.  
  
Elijah looked disgustedly at the "ring". "This isn't the ring!" he declared. "This is stupid!"  
  
Elrond, ignoring Elijah, said to the rest of the fellowship, "You must take this ring to Mount Doom! Without the REAL fellowship."  
  
Aragorn grinned in return. "Yes and the Gondor armies are ready to attack you all once you reach Mordor."  
  
Sean Bean panicked. "BUT BOROMIR DIES!!!"  
  
Elrond looked at everyone. You all need to get some sleep, for tomorrow you start your quest. Sean Astin raised his hand. "No! You get food tomorrow," added Elrond. Sean put his hand back down.  
  
Aragorn grabbed Merry and Pippin off of the floor. He looked at them and said, "You two are the ones who have to get your doubles to bed. Ha! Ha!"  
  
Merry and Pippin looked at each other stunned.  
  
They then looked at their doubles in horror.  
  
Billy had succeeded in eating through one of his ropes. He kept rocking his chair back and forth.  
  
Dominic was still on the floor. He wouldn't let anyone near him. He kept screaming.  
  
Merry was the first to speak. "Well, I guess this is goodbye. You do know that this is suicide, don't you?"  
  
"Yes, Merry."  
  
They quickly exchanged hugs.  
  
They began to advance on their doubles.  
  
"See ya on the other side, Pip!" Merry yelled.  
  
They drew their swords...  
  
Elrond slapped his hand to his forehead. "Oh Valar..."  
  
Pippin tackled Billy until he had pinned him down. Merry could barely get within a few feet of Dominic without the actor crying "RAPE". Elrond, getting very tired of the stupid actors causing chaos BEFORE the quest, stunned them both with his hidden elvish magic.  
  
"Thanks, Elrond!" they worshiped, picked up their actors, and took their actors to their rooms.  
  
Sam and Frodo walked by with Sean Astin and Elijah, both crying till they couldn't cry anymore. "So pathetic!" Frodo muttered.  
  
Soon everyone was gone except Aragorn and Elrond. Some of the servants took Viggo and Hugo to their rooms. Aragorn grinned happily. "Master Elrond, would you like to see what's going on in the real world?"  
  
"Sure," Elrond replied happily. They made a time hole and landed back to "Normal Earth". They both looked around and found themselves a few blocks away from the studio. As they approached, the police stopped them and immediately all the SWAT teams, armies, and wallabies surrounded them.  
  
Peter Jackson came running over. "HUGO! VIGGO!" He embraced them like his own sons. "Where are the hobbits??? And other elves??? Are they alive? Are they ok???"  
  
Elrond and Aragorn didn't know how to reply. They just looked at each other and grinned. 


	5. The Alarm Heard Around Middle Earth!

The Fellowship's Revenge  
  
By The ELF BRODs  
  
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I feel so depressed now. *I* was forced to finish this chapter alone! No one bothered to check the forum in case they were open to write.what's the point in a writing group when half of them are absent??? Well, that's why we need *Active* members! To join, e-mail me at my *new* e-mail address: blue_eyes0874@yahoo.com .stupid people hacking into my other account and deleting half of the stuff.  
  
Disclaimer: this is part where I tell you *again* how much of a nothing I am. But we *do* own our group and our pride.although I'm not sure if we have even that.READ ON!  
  
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The Alarm Heard Around Middle Earth!  
  
Elrond and Aragorn saw this as their chance to humiliate the actors while they were on their quest. Hehe  
  
Elrond started by taking eggs and smashing people with them.  
  
Aragorn started insulting everyone in Elvish, and pretended he didn't know English.  
  
Peter was embarrassed by their behavior, but after what had happened to them he expected them to be a little off. He sent them to a trailer.  
  
Elrond opened the portal and went in it and told the fellowship their plans. "We will be back in time for their leaving. We will only be here certain times. Legolas, Boromir, come here and help us!"  
  
So, Legolas and Boromir came through the portal.  
  
Legolas went around shooting everyone with arrows.  
  
Boromir ran around challenging people to sword fights.  
  
When Peter tried to get some filming done, Legolas and Boromir ran up to the cameras and made faces into them. So, Peter decided to give up.  
  
Some reporters came to the set to interview the actors to get their point of view after they were kidnapped.  
  
  
  
Legolas looked at one of the reporters and said, "I'm gay."  
  
Boromir said, "I am an underachiever, who is gay with Legolas."  
  
Elrond said, "I where purple underwear."  
  
Aragorn said, "I hate being king, and I hate all of you people!"  
  
Then Boromir tried to eat one of the reporters.  
  
Later, when they were going into the portal to go back to Middle Earth, they were all laughing.  
  
Elrond said, "We have probably ruined their careers!"  
  
Aragorn laughed and said, "No one will be able to try to ruin MY persona again!"  
  
Then they stepped through the portal, where they found that chaos was being wrecked.  
  
The hobbit actors had all escaped their rooms and the real hobbits were trying to chase them down.  
  
Then Sam hit Sean with a pan and he was knocked out.  
  
Elrond was stunned. He yelled at them. What is going on?!  
  
Frodo came huffing and puffing to Elrond. "The hobbits escaped! AH! THERE'S THE DEMON!" he cried when he saw Elijah behind a bush. "By SAURON'S NAME, HAULT!!!"  
  
Aragorn started laughing as Elrond tried to make everything "normal". When Elrond came back after sending them all to bed and into a DEEP, DEEP sleep, he came back out.  
  
"I am so tempted to go back to the other world," Elrond cried in frustration. "There I can claim I smoke, cuss, and make love all I want and people will love me for it!"  
  
Aragorn laughed at the Elf Lord's claim. "Don't worry, Master Elrond, these hobbits haven't been through the mill yet...wait till they meet our training course..."  
  
"Training course? Like what?" Boromir asked, hearing his favorite words.  
  
"Well, like tying them up on the river and having Elrond conduct a flood," Aragorn smirked evilly. "Or sending them without a light into Shelob's layer...or to meet the Balrog! Poor thing hasn't been well since Gandalf broke with her."  
  
Gandalf grumbled at the thought. "Excuse me, but I have NEVER dated evil stuff..."  
  
Aragorn snorted, trying to cover his outburst. Frodo walked in, a grin on his face. "Master Elrond? Why do I have to wear this...this.thing???" Frodo holds up the washer on the piece of string.  
  
"Just in case Gollum Jr. gets too obsessed with the ring. We don't want anyone to *intentionally* die. For safety measures," Elrond looked smug about the plans. Oh...this was going to be fun...  
  
Silence in Middle Earth...Day comes up...Again...Well, not quite  
  
HUNK! HUNK! HUNK! HUNK! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! WhoooooooOOOOPPPP! WhoooooooOOOOPPPP! WhoooooooOOOOPPPP! WhoooooooOOOOPPPP! DEE DA! DEE DA! DEE DA! DEE DA! ER! ER! ER! ER!  
  
The actors all fell out of bed, still stunned, but awake. Elrond, over the intercom, cried out. "Good morning, Victims- I mean, Actors! Today is the first day of...da-da-da! The Lord of the Rings Training Camp! WAKE UP! That's means you, Sean Bean! What's that up your nose? Do you all like the alarm? I hope you do! Cause you'll be hearing that for the next month!"  
  
Fifteen minutes later, all the actors were being dragged down to the lawn where Elrond looked excited, Hugo and Dominic at his feet (Merry was having trouble getting near him without an ear-splitting cry of Rape).  
  
"Welcome, actors! Have you all had a nice rest?" Elrond yelled out. "Good! I know it's still...well, not daylight, but that's apart of the adventure! You want to do the movie right, don't you?"  
  
Elijah looked very disappointed. "Why are we here? I want to go to bed..."  
  
Gandalf joyously hit Elijah over the head with his staff. And after feeling that enjoyment, the wizard went through the whole line of actors, hitting them all with his staff until Elrond told him that they were getting thrown into comas and to stop.  
  
"But it's so much fun!" Gandalf protested. "We went through much worse! This is only the beginning!" All the actors groaned, but the REAL fellowship looked extremely excited.  
  
Liv Tyler looked happily at Elrond. "I guess we're doing nothing!"  
  
Arwen kicked Liv in some unknowing place and said. "Hahaha, nice try. You and Huggy over there get to have your OWN fun..."  
  
Again, the actors all groaned; But it twas to be an exciting day.  
  
(Small note: btw, I based the alarm on my own story. Just.yesterday? Yeah, yesterday, my brother's car alarm went off when my dad tried to move his car. Very.silence-breaking. It still echoes in my ears.) 


	6. Screams and Bangs!

The Fellowship's Revenge  
By ELF BRODs  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Author's Note: Boromir, Gandalf, and I worked on this part. I'm really happy now! YAY! This will be the last chapter until 8/17 when I get back from vacation. Read on! This is confusing at times, I know, but we aren't exactly sane either. :)  
  
Disclaimer: I'm STILL a nothing. No change there. READ ON!  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Screams and Bangs  
  
  
Oh, but much to the Middle-earth characters' dismay, the actors weren't as stupid as they thought. Sean Bean, being the devious bad guy he is, began plotting an escape better than the whole "crawl-out-of-a-vent" idea. Signaling Orlando over when Legolas wasn't looking, they schemed the perfect plot. With an impressive number of sporks and fruitcakes supplied by a giant plothole, they were going to attack the fellowship and basically escape using excessive brutal force.   
  
And if that didn't work, there was always a plan B: annoy the fellowship until they let them free. Plan B seemed so much more fun (and they were so much better at it), so they decided to skip over the original plot and carry out the second.   
  
It was decided. Each of the actors was given an obscene and disturbing personality to portray, except the hobbit-actors, who were told to be themselves.   
  
Orlando was to flirt mercilessly with all of the Middle-earth characters, Sean Bean was supposed to speak in sentences with only three words at a time, Liv was to be a Hollywood drama queen (that's to say a complete Bi@tch), Hugo was going to be the biggest whiner in the world, Viggo was restricted to only two phrases (being "that's not what you said last night," and "Is it supposed to do that?"), and finally, Sir Ian was to pretend to have heart-attacks every five seconds.  
  
They were going to give the fellowship a fate worse than death. (Cue the evil laughter!)  
  
Elrond began to notice something wrong the next morning. He quickly ran to Aragorn and Theoden who were happily watching their prisoners dangle from a tree by their toenails/feet.  
  
"Aragorn, our...victims have been acting a little...*strange* this morning...do you think we're being too soft on them?" Elrond panicked.  
  
Aragorn laughed. "Yeah...I think we should start the camp!"  
  
HUNK! HUNK! HUNK! HUNK! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! WhoooooooOOOOPPPP! WhoooooooOOOOPPPP! WhoooooooOOOOPPPP! WhoooooooOOOOPPPP! DEE DA! DEE DA! DEE DA! DEE DA! ER! ER! ER! ER!  
  
All the prisoners and their masters met at the Council of Elrond meeting place. Elrond say smugly in his chair, trying to look impressive and dignified, but then giggling while Viggo was rubbing against Elrond's legs.  
  
"Elves and Hobbits and Prisoners and every other race that's here today! Let the training camp begin!" Elrond announced and then blew up in laughter as Viggo *again* rubbed more vigorously against his legs. "Would you stop it, you annoying victim?"  
  
Viggo laughed insanely. "That's not what you said last night!"  
  
The Fellowship and rest of the characters tied up their characters and hung them by their hands on a tree above the river near Rivendell. Elrond looked excited as he began to make the waters rise and then a flood occur.   
  
"I WANT MY CHICKEN!" Dominic cried in agony. "I WANT PIE! PIE I TELL YOU! PIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" And then the actor began to swing around in circles.  
  
"Oh shut up, you **************!" Merry yelled back as he tied a piece of cloth over Dom's mouth. "And stop that jerking or I'll deprive you of mushrooms for the rest of your life!"  
  
Dominic began to cry. "Mwy mushwoooooooooms!" he cried threw the cloths. "I want mwy mushwoooooooooooooooms!!!"  
  
Elijah and Sean Astin threw each other *strange* glances, but Frodo and Sam mistaken it for looks of fear and affection.  
  
The flood that Elrond made grew and grew until the actors were crying for their parents and much, much more. Elrond looked quite smug.   
  
"THIS ISN'T LEGAL!" Sean Bean cried. "THIS WASN'T STATED...IN MY CONTRACT!"   
  
"Shut up, you piece of orc!" Boromir hit the Sean in the head with the handle of his sword and made the actor go unconscious. Every one was relieved as the actor was getting on their nerves (as if they all weren't).  
  
"I VWANT MWY MWUSHWOOOOOOOOMS!!!" Dominic cried through the rag around his mouth. "I WANT MWY MWUSHWOOOOOOOOOMS!!!"  
  
Merry and Pippin hit their heads with their hands. This Training camp was going to be harder than they thought. Elrond, on the other hand, looked very happy as he tried to teach Hugo how to make the river flood and zapped him every time he failed (which WAS everytime).  
  
"Ok!" Elrond announced after an hour of fun. "Let the actors go!"  
  
The actors all looked relieved-until they figured out what he meant. The fellowship untied the actors, put them in barrels, and threw them rocketing down the river.  
  
"Aragorn? Are the nazgul's ready???" Elrond called over the river to the Gondor king. Aragorn nodded and made a signal. Within a milli-second, eight black-cloaked figures rushed after the actors (the ninth one couldn't be brought back to life due to the wounds brought on by Eowyn and Merry).  
  
Legolas, meanwhile, having dragged Orlando away, started chatting with the actor, finding Orlando actually kind of nice.   
  
"This is too weird," Orlando muttered.  
  
Elrond saw Legolas run away with Orlando and chased him. After catching up with the two, Elrond tied Legolas to a tree and took away his bow and then threw Orlando in the river where the other actors were floating in barrels.   
  
"SORRY, ORLANDO!" Elrond cried. "I GUESS YOUR GOING TO HAVE TO GO WITHOUT A BARREL!"  
  
"Oh yeah?" Orlando yelled back. "It won't matter after I DROWN!"  
  
Elrond sat in his chair and laid back and fell asleep. Boromir, concerned and wondering what was going to happen (hoping his victim drowned), walked over to Elrond. "Master Elrond," Boromir said respectfully, "shouldn't we be following the-um-students down the river?"   
  
A scream was heard off in the distance (Dominic's *grin*), which was followed by nine more. Elrond looked happily at Boromir. "No," Elrond replied. "They'll be back. Either they'll run back or our special-volunteers will carry them back after scaring them to death..."  
  
Faramir came running from his perch at the river. "MASTER ELROND! MASTER ELROND!" he cried, but mostly out of breath from the long run. "THE STUDENTS ARE ATTACKING THE NAZGULS WITH RINGING THINGS!!! The Nazguls were quite disturbed and they started to attack more...vicious! We're afraid they'll kill Dom. You must hurry and stop them!"  
  
Elrond got up from his seat, quite annoyed, and chased Faramir down the river where the Nazguls were fighting the students with swords against cell phones. "Oh no," Elrond sighed. Then he spoke some quick words in elvish and the Nazguls fled. "This is bad...take them to their rooms. I shall tend to them."  
  
Some of the Rivendell servants came and carried the students back to their rooms where Elrond healed them. It wasn't for another three days that the Training Camp resumed. And at this time, Eowyn was sent with the rest of the Gondor/Rohan actors to Mordor and Gimli and some other Dwarves were sent to the Mines of Moria.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Merry and Pippin snuck out in the middle of the night, waking up everyone that they passed with unsuppressive giggles. No one really cared until their were a few ear-splitting screams heard throughout Rivendell. Elrond jumped up and ran to the sounds.  
  
"What in Mandos Halls is going on???" Elrond screamed loudly upon entering the council hall and viewing the two hobbits. At first, they appeared certainly the most innocent of angels, but Eru knows that innocent is not a word associated with halflings especially those of the names Took and Brandybuck. On their faces were the widest grins the elf lord has ever seen.  
  
"What did you do this time?" he asked, almost afraid of the answer.  
  
Merry and Pippin exchanged glances, and burst into another fit of laughter. Pointing at the closet nearby, they quickly ran from the elf lord's grasp and off into the safe distance.  
  
Elrond slowly and cautiously approached the closet. With a steady hand, he opened the door and found something so frightening... 


	7. Chaos in the Hall!

The Fellowship's Revenge  
By the ELF BRODs  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Author's Note: this chapter is short because I feel like making it short. JK. There are two ending points and the second happens to be on the end of a short chapter. So here we go!  
  
Disclaimer: we're not good enough to own it, phewy!  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chaos in the Hall!  
  
  
"RAPE! RAPE! RAPE! MONKEY BUTTS! PIE!!! I WANT MY TEDDY BEAR!!!"  
  
Elrond fell to the ground, while a pale white and bewildered Dominic pounced on him and started racing down the halls and locked himself into Orlando and Legolas' room. Elrond sighed in exhaustion.  
  
"Not again."  
  
Legolas came racing out of his room, and hid behind the elf lord. "Elrond!" he cried. "You got to do something about that...that..."  
  
"Monkey? Space Alien?" Elrond suggested. Elijah Wood and Sean Astin came running down the hall, Frodo and Sam chasing them.  
  
"STOP IN THE NAME OF SAURON!" Frodo bellowed. "DEMON OF SAURON!"   
  
Aragorn came running down the hall from the other direction, pursuing Viggo and in the middle, they all crashed. Elrond sighed and went back to bed. When the door was shut, he opened his closet where Hugo was dressed in Arwen's cloths and chained to the wall.   
  
"Good boy!" Elrond gave him a biscuit and closed the door again. Trying to go to sleep again, a knock on the door a quick entrance woke him again...  
  
Elrond looked up as Gandalf walked in.  
  
"What is it Gandalf?" asked Elrond.  
  
"Can I talk to... I mean Torture Sir Ian?"   
  
Gandalf had a strange gleam in his eye.  
  
"Whatever just let me get some sleep!!!"   
  
Elrond went back to bed, but was to be awakened by a loud bang... 


	8. Was it All Just a Dream?

The Fellowship's Revenge  
By the ELF BRODs  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Author's Note: Sam wrote the first ending and I wrote the Epilogue. You may thank her for finishing this story as none of us knew how! And I added the bit piece of it because I'm so weird and it was funny :) It was fun writing this! Thank you for all your reviews!!!  
  
Disclaimer: Not sure…end of story and tired of being a nothing.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Was it All Just a Dream?  
  
  
Elrond awoke in a sweaty state, to find himself in Rivendell in his own home just as dawn was arising. Darting his eyes around, he found Mithrandir sitting on his bedside, his face twisted in a happy grin. "Why... Gandalf... what... what happened?" he questioned.  
  
With a twinkle of mirth in his eyes, the Maia replied, "Arwen got mad at you for not letting her marry Aragorn... so she knocked you out with a Four by Four. She's terribly sorry... wouldn't stop sobbing, the poor dear."  
  
"You mean... the actors... Hugo, Viggo... it was all a dream?" Elrond questioned.  
  
"What's a Viggo?" Gandalf asked back.  
  
Sighing in relief, Elrond smiled to himself. It was all a dream... no human actors here!   
  
"By the way," Mithrandir continued. "Legolas wants to speak to you... something about a plan to kidnap... actors of some sort? For a movie about us?"  
  
Elrond fell back on the bed unconscious upon hearing those words.  
  
The end…?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Epilogue  
  
  
Merry and Pippin were laying in the Garden in Rivendell. Both were satisfied, little innocent hobbits with a twitch for chaos resting in their bones. Merry looked up at the House of Elrond and noticed something weird.  
  
"You know what, Pippin?" Merry asked. "Legolas has been acting weird…he just went into a closet…I wonder what he is up to…"  
  
Pippin sat up and stared at the house, too. He watched as Elrond walked in after Legolas along with Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli, Frodo, and Sam. "Let's follow them!" he cried and both Hobbits ran curiously to the closet door.  
  
"You go first!" Merry said to Pippin.  
  
"NO! YOU go first!"  
  
"Let's go in together!"  
  
Both Hobbits opened the door, walked in, and…  
  
"RAPE! RAPE! RAPE! MONKEY BUTTS! PIE!!! I WANT MY TEDDY BEAR!!!"  
  
~*THE END*~ 


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